“Your husband does what?!” I heard this question so many times over the 10 years my husband, Ian, flew weekly from our home in Minneapolis to his job in New York City.
It was 2010 when Ian was offered a dream job in NYC as the Head of Content at The Mill, a world-renowned visual effects company. The timing was terrible.
We’d just relocated from Los Angeles to Minneapolis and were settling into the house we’d bought there. Our kids were one and three. I was rebuilding my therapy private practice from scratch.
Not an ideal time to pick up and move to one of the most expensive cities in the country, especially with the economy in turmoil. We didn’t feel comfortable uprooting our lives.
When Ian asked to fly back and forth every week, his new employer agreed, and we joined the ranks of supercommuter couples around the world.
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Here’s how we made it work.
We became pros at flights and rentals
Because Ian chose to supercommute, we were responsible for flights and housing.
I became extremely savvy at finding the best deals on flights, using the right credit cards to book, maximizing airline status, and racking up and leveraging miles. Benefits included access to airport lounges — important when flight delays forced Ian to take meetings while he waited — and lots of free flights for our family vacations.
We decided it’d be more economical to rent small studios or rooms for Ian to stay in during the week instead of booking hotels. Over that 10-year span, he lived in seven different apartments in Brooklyn and Manhattan.
Ian posted photos and art on the walls of the New York City apartments he stayed in during the week when he supercommuted from Minneapolis.
Courtesy of Megan Bearce
I did the legwork to see how close they were to subway stops and whether there were late-night dining options for the days he worked until 9 pm. We balanced cost with safety and distance from work, and we were lucky to find places that were, as I remember it, about $1,500 per month or less.
Having more consistent spaces meant Ian didn’t have to live out of a suitcase and could decorate with memories of home.
We prioritized communication and quality time
When I interviewed people for my book “Super Commuter Couples: Staying Together When a Job Keeps You Apart,” many shared that others judged their relationships because they spend so much time apart.
But proximity is no guarantee of commitment. I learned from experience that time together is about quality rather than quantity — and time apart can work if you communicate openly and regularly.
Ian and I prioritized date nights and a yearly weekend away. When we were apart, we’d check in at the start of a call: “How are you doing? Is this a good time to talk?” Because our days were hectic, we started sending each other quick texts to say hello rather than always trying to have in-depth phone calls.
We leaned into little rituals and traditions with the kids
For a time, Ian would make himself a PB&J Sunday night for his Monday travels, and it became a tradition for the kids to help him, decorating the wrapping with stickers or notes.
We’d often have Friday pizza and movie nights to celebrate being back together again for the weekend.
“I learned from experience that time together is about quality rather than quantity,” says Megan, pictured here with Ian in 2012, just a couple of years into their time as a supercommuter couple.
Courtesy of Megan Bearce
When the kids were little, I’d print out calendars for them. I’d draw an airplane on days Ian flew home and mark other fun things we had going on while he was away, like a tree on a day we’d go to the park. The kids had a better concept of time when they crossed days off the calendar to count down to Ian’s return.
Ian also sent us postcards made from photos he took while he was away. The little things add up.
We made sure to take family vacations
Given the cold and snow of Minnesota, our winter escape was often a family cruise. There was all kinds of entertainment, no cooking or meal planning to think about, and a kids’ playroom if Ian and I wanted to have dinner alone.
Most importantly, onboard Wi-Fi was so expensive at the time that we didn’t buy it and Ian couldn’t work. These were real vacations for all of us — a chance to relax and have fun together.
The kids and I visited Ian in NYC once a year
We toured his office and met his co-workers, so that when he told us stories about them, we knew who these people were. Getting to see dad’s life during the week helped the kids understand where he was when he was away.
Plus, because of the nature of his job, they got to see a working commercial set, which has inspired our daughter to pursue the creative arts in college.
Visits to New York City helped the kids get a glimpse of Ian’s life during the week, Megan says.
Courtesy of Megan Bearce
We admitted we needed help
We were fortunate that my sister lived with us for the first five years and my parents were only two hours away. The extra support they offered me was huge, as was the quality time we all had with them.
Beyond family, our neighbors knew our situation and they were willing to help out if needed. When the kids were little, we hired someone to mow and shovel snow. I found an amazing handyman and a reliable plumber I knew I could call for any issues that needed fixing during the week.
I had a few babysitters I could reach out to if I wanted some time for myself — whether it was to take a Pilates class or go out to dinner with a friend during the week. Other times, I used the gym’s childcare center while I worked out.
We made sure solo parenting didn’t overwhelm me
We decided not to have our kids participate in a lot of activities when they were younger. The logistics of multiple activities felt too overwhelming for me to handle with Ian away during the week.
Even so, I needed breaks from all that solo parenting and I took them — including for a yearly girls’ weekend. (Time for dad to be the solo parent!)
The Bearce family on vacation in Cape Cod.
Courtesy of Megan Bearce
We appreciated the upsides
While we had a few challenges, we don’t regret our choice. Ian got to pursue a fulfilling career. I didn’t have to rebuild my therapy practice a third time or get licensed in a new state. We raised our family where there are good public schools, lots of green space and a reasonable cost of living.
Our kids learned early on about the importance of self-care and quality time with loved ones. They realized that the best choice might not be the easiest one, but that you have to do what works for you.
Megan Bearce is a licensed therapist, coach and author of the book “Super Commuter Couples: Staying Together When a Job Keeps You Apart.” She is a sought-after speaker and writer on workplace mental health, burnout, business travel wellness and perfectionism, and has been interviewed as an expert by SHRM, BBC, Forbes, MarketWatch, and CBS Evening News. She holds an MA in clinical psychology and is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist (LMFT). Find her on her website as well as on LinkedIn and Facebook.
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